Glimpses Now and Then

The experience I wish to share is circular, and multi-layered, and somewhat of a challenge to put into words.  My internal critic wants me to involve my ego, both of which would very much like to influence my sharing...  in this situation I am inclined to kindly ask them to step aside for a little while.

This encompasses what I understand to be the richness of my human experience that is available when I slow down.  It's an opportunity for me to get out of my own way, to stop pushing/looking/seeking long enough to look around in wonder at what is occurring NOW. Indeed, there has always been so much more going on than what anybody is doing, so this is simply a way of honoring how happy I am to share how little I know.  All of this happened THEN, but through making the connections, it also lives and breathes through me right now.

It's a lofty intention to live like this more and more, so for me I am learning that taking the time to recognize these powerful *glimpses* creates the space for more of them...

These are the nouns this story includes but are not limited to:  a dentist, an office manager, a pin-pusher, a horse, death, toxins, new life, a humble seeker of joy through all of life's perceived ups and downs, and all of us just doing the best we can with where we are and with what we know.

A while back, the seeker began to receive acupuncture for the first time in her life.  A while before this, she began to step up into her role as friend and caretaker of her body, and cautiously trusting its wisdom.  (Gratefully, that caution is slowly losing its hold on her mind). {Side note:  Whenever I encounter someone in the healing arts -or otherwise for that matter-who attempts to override this trust in myself, or in some subtle way attempts to lead me to trust in them rather than to nurture my own inner knowing, I am recognizing that it is in my best interest to simply move on.   When I am of sound mind and body, seeking help ought never to bring me to a position of giving up my own intuition or power.  No matter how well-intentioned, when it's also a way they make their living, I believe lines can become blurred in these areas of 'service'.}

So, the pin-pusher is this type of person who sees herself only as a conduit, which I believe paved the way for authentic healing to take place.   As the treatment went on, she listened to me, and shared what she believed to be occurring in my body, based on Chinese Medicine philosophy, as my meridians began to open and flow more freely.  I found the process absolutely fascinating and enlightening, and it deepened my communication between my mind and my body.  In order to receive the type of help I needed, I needed to seek the kind of helper I needed.  And because she is also a seeker, she said she learned a lot about herself and her ongoing practice through our mutual exchange.

One of the 'side effects' of acupuncture is that the body attempts to rid itself of what it perceives as toxins or blocks to overall health and vitality.  This idea of toxins is very broad and individual and inclusive of all levels, physical, emotional, mental, creative, etc., and as this was happening for me, I found that the space to share was critical not only for me but for my acupuncturist in order to continually adjust the treatments to address all of what was going on.  For me, this piece was allowing and not resisting the assistance I had asked for, and discerning that this was a situation where I could trust to let my guard down in order to progress internally.  Trust was one word that came up a lot in the beginning, and she often reminded me that only good can come from this, and that blocked energy that is beginning to shift and move is often registered in the brain as pain.  This knowledge totally reshaped my view on pain, and my judgment of it as 'bad'.  I equate it to how the body will adapt to even the harshest of toxins before it gives out, and how the way back to health can 'feel' much worse than the way to un-health.  And how a headache, a cold, a fever, can all be ways for the body to rid itself of what is not serving our optimal health.

Being ready to let go of many of these toxic/limiting thoughts and patterns, I rather enjoyed that part, and could feel some of the resultant letting go in my physical body.  Slow but sure, I said thank you and goodbye to some deep-seated ones.  I could wrap my head around this concept, this side effect, very easily but was very skeptical of the idea that amalgam fillings could literally begin to fall out!  So strong was my denial of this happening that when the first one did in January not only did I not make the connection with the acupuncture, I replaced it with another amalgam because insurance didn't cover the full amount of a composite.  Thanks for trying to help me, body, but...  My delightful dentist (who I didn't know was so delightful at this time) tried to steer me away from this, but could see my mind was made up.  (yeah, he just wanted to make that extra $30 so he could go to some fancy restaurant on my money, ha ha).

Many acupuncture sessions later, and an understanding that not only was I clearing physical toxins, the emotional ones that go along with them as well (I learned that it is important to address the emotions that were present as a child when these fillings were originally done, which opened up a whole new level of vulnerabilities and shame to be healed), and on we go to May and my routine 6-month cleaning.  I knew I had another filling that was chipped, and had already decided to splurge with a composite replacement.  But as it turned out the filling was such a gigantic one that he recommended a crown.  A porcelain one at that.  cha-ching, cha-ching, if you catch my drift.  So I asked for a quote for my out-of-pocket costs from the office manager, got an amount (went with the porcelain over metal rather than the pricier all-porcelain one... baby steps), which for me was a lot of money.  I made the appointment for this work to be done, and was starting to feel good about handling these things instead of letting them pile up.  When I returned for the appointment the next week, I wasn't feeling well or particularly strong, I had a headache, and the last thing I wanted to do was sit in a dentist chair.  The new girl had screwed up my appointment, and had me scheduled with one of the other dentists (much as my mind wanted me to think that my dentist was just another greedy businessman, I only wanted to be treated by him... hmm), and my copay amount suddenly went up by $30. New girl couldn't handle my direct questions (I was not feeling well so I'm sure I was not very sweet, however, I was not 'emotional' towards her), and she did what most people do when they feel threatened and exposed for their lack of knowledge.  She tried to assert some power and false idea of 'take it or leave it, that's just how it is'.  When that didn't work, she handed me over to the office manager, who of course overheard all of what had unfolded already and brought an attitude into our conversation, and she eventually got frustrated and was about to give up as well.  I was aware that what I was asking for was so foreign because it was too simple.  In their jobs, they have to wade through such a mountain of information when it comes to insurance companies, their heads are so filled with this protocol, that my asking why the cost of a procedure changed from one day to the next completely threw them.  My opening to bring in some rationality was when the office manager stopped her justifying/rambling and said 'What is it you want from me, Melanie?' I smiled and said that first I wanted us both to take a breath.  Then I said I wanted her to help me understand the change in the copay.  Thankfully, she got right on board with my clear request, and together we discovered that the insurance company had given two different quotes on two different days for the exact same billing code.  Okay, now we both learned something and had a fresh starting place.  But to get there, we needed to look through many pieces of convoluted paperwork, which takes time and patience.  It's simply the system we have to deal with.  Meanwhile, a guy showed up who was in pain and wanted to get in asap.  Sorry, sir, there's no more appointments available today, you can come in first thing tomorrow morning.  That was my cue to reschedule my appointment with the dentist I wanted anyways.

So a week later, I had the old filling removed and a temporary crown put on.  I also learn that the dentist is a self-proclaimed 'professional hummer' of classical music, which he always has playing in the background.  I opened my eyes and saw that he's actually a genuinely joyful, happy person, and when I meet someone like that it is very humbling to recognize how easy it is to miss.  Aren't these people to be found working for a peace institute?  (wink wink). Authentic people don't try to change negativity, they just sidestep it and go on.  I began paying attention to how he speaks lovingly of his wife and three children, of his life overall, of his Mom and brother back in Mexico who he knows not to call in the afternoons because they are taking Siesta, he smiles a lot, he tells interesting stories, he is direct, and he's a competent dentist offering a good service to the community.  Further, I feel safe opening my mouth and giving him permission to poke around with sharp tools and drills in my teeth.

Two weeks later, I returned to have the permanent crown put on.  (By this time, the front office girls seem to enjoy seeing me, they definitely know who I am now, and I enjoy seeing them as well.  I have learned that one of them has a boyfriend on deployment in Iraq, and the other is seeing someone new who wants her to move to New York.  I am so glad to relate on a personal level.)  This is also the day just following my intense weekend of being in charge of the horses when two of them had serious health situations arise and needed to be taken to the clinic for surgeries.  I ended up sharing this with the dentist, and he genuinely cared.

Prior to that weekend, I had also decided the time was showing itself to leave my job, so it would be a good time to handle the other 3 fillings that were nearly falling out.  I had begun to trust the dentist, but the assistant was another story.  She seemed to be so green, and I liked her only being in charge of the suction and the passing of tools.  When she began scraping the cement off the edges of my newly placed crown with one of those very sharp instruments, I was on full alert and ready to make her abort at the slightest sense of her doing it 'wrong'!  In that moment I thought of how we are all here to be students and teachers for one another.  I had just been in a position of extreme helplessness with the horses in terms of what I could do to relieve their pain, but I was not help-less.  I could only give what I had to give.  I could get them help, be their advocate, their friend, be present with them through a scary situation, I could be their witness.  I related this to my fear of what harm this assistant might do to me, worst of which might be a little poke in the gums, and was then happy to be a person for her to practice on to build her confidence.

To complete all this work, it seemed I was at this office at least once a week over the past month.  My final appointment in this stretch of dental work was yesterday.  The dentist happened to have his wife and two of their three children stop in, and I got to meet these lovely people.  I shared with the front office girls and the dentist my upcoming move from the area, and I was very aware that I was speaking to dear people who I will remember fondly.  During my procedure, the dentist and I had a nice exchange about serendipity and chance encounters that don't seem to be very important at the time but turn out to be significant or even life-changing....  Amen!

One horse passes on,

new life and new beginnings arise,

we let go and we hang on,

plant seeds and reap the harvest,

we honor the old and the new,

and the circle of life continues...

It turned out to be a lot of words here, and I have to say, oh well.  One day I hope to reach a point where I just say wow, *great glimpse* and move on, but maybe that hope is my ego talking...  I guess I am not a short, tidy story type of gal...

thank you for sharing this part of my journey with me....

Blessings to your own glimpses, which I would love to hear about...