As I set out on my walk/jog, which I haven't done in a while, not wanting my own inner dialogue to serve as a distraction, I debated about going back for my iPod.... how to handle my busy mind this morning....
Direct the mind, drive the hind...
This is a natural horsemanship training saying whose wisdom I am reminded applies for me too. I love the simpleness of this phrase, it's one of my life mantras I have been enjoying lately. I decide to ask for the grace of connection to my source, my higher power, to help me find that place of surrender, of acceptance of self, busy mind and all, and to direct my mind to focus on what's really important. The morning was filled with this up and down, in and out, separated and connected, mind/spirit tug-of-war that strikes me as so representative of life. It's like strength training, building the muscle of presence with what is. Real.
My shadow is real. It may not reflect accurately the image of my inner self, but I guess that's some of the protective tendency we have as humans. I become aware of the egocentricity of walking along, contemplating my shadow and what it says (to who?), the narrowness of that focus. So I expand my gaze.
I encounter many homeless people arising from their slumbers, and feel humbled by their gentleness as they meet my gaze and we acknowledge each other, sometimes with a 'good morning', but mostly with just a smile. We are all only human beans, wanting/needing the same things; to give and receive love, safety, belonging, and to not be defined or judged by our life circumstances. We are so much more than that. But I can't escape the fact that I awoke in a warm, comfortable bed this morning and went out to face the world wanting to tune it, or me, out. I know at times we need to escape from reality, but I believe it can become a habit that rapidly becomes denial. Denial is one way of coping, so I can't indulge in self judgment for what I have needed to do to survive in my own life, but as I allow myself to awaken to the Divine in me, the glaring truth is that it is indeed in all of us, just because we are. In the past I felt like I was trying to be a do-gooder by smiling at the homeless, and now I see that I felt so phony because I saw myself as separate from them.
So further on my little morning adventure, I come to a bench with a dedication to a woman that read something like 'may you rest peacefully and dream of a world free from hate, free from violence'. I suddenly felt like I wanted to know her story, and then realized that I already did. I say a little prayer for her soul. We can't change the past, we can only move forward in love the best way we know how...
The evil of today is enough, we don't need to add to it with our own negativity. I believe that in order to do that, we do have to acknowledge our own darkness, it feeds on denial, and it's not going away. Direct the mind to a higher plane, and drive the hind. Move, move. Act, act. Do that which you know in your heart you must do, from a centered place inside.
Thus far on my walk, I had asphalt underfoot, and now as I reach the sand, where the waves meet the shore... ahhhh... I instantly feel that connection again to my source through nature, and a dolphin makes an appearance... I realize that though all of this beautiful learning and awareness is happening, it has primarily taken place in my head. I say a prayer of thanks for this moment...
My steps take me through the parking lot of the yacht club, and I realize just as I felt connected with those down on their luck, I also feel connected to the 'haves'.... none of us is better than or less than... I wonder if I am on private property yet I see a shortcut to where I want to go, so I ask the man closing the hatch of his Lexus whether this path leads to the breakwater and whether it is 'private property'. A short while later as I was on the other side of that gate, I wondered if he would have had a different response if I wasn't relatively clean but rather less clean on the outside and pushing a cart with all my belongings. I resist the temptation to automatically assume he would have, and for my own ego to judge him.
I am shaken from this contemplation of judgment by a - could it be - a whale? Why, yes, it is! I am brought back to my connection to nature, and my heart leaps. No one else is around to see it, and I claim the arrival of this magnificent creature in a deep, personal way. Then I suddenly miss my Beloved in a way I have never missed him before. I realize how strong the urge to connect is, and I believe all beings experience this urge. My experience with horses has allowed something to unblock in me, the unconscious wish to suppress this urge, which allows for more intimate relations with all beings. I understand it from a different vantage point now, and can accept the urge for what it is. Sharing ones self doesn't have to be wrapped up in seeking validation or expectation of any particular response in return. That is where the hurt comes in, not because of the urge to share. Animals just respond to energy without judgment. As I turn to begin my walk back, I encounter a human being gazing out at the ocean and I ask if he saw the whale...
On my walk today, I interacted with myself, other people, and nature, and I honor that they all offered wisdom for the journey in their own way.
They are all important pieces of the whole.
I am glad I didn't go back for the iPod.
