From C to shining C

A spin on Circles and Commitment

that is

Centering

for me during a time of transitioning into what's next in my external world,

which reminds me that the only 'what's next' worthy of my attention in my internal world is my next breath... of which I am grateful to receive.

I live my life in widening circles

that reach out across the world.

I may not complete this last one

but I give myself to it.

 

I circle around God, around the primordial tower.

I've been circling for thousands of years

and I still don't know: am I a falcon,

a storm, or a great song?

 

~ Ranier Maria Rilke ~

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love.

The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.

To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

~ Anne Morriss ~

Rest in Peace, dear Sonlight

You brought sunshine to my days,

and I will miss your physical presence.

I am grateful I got to know you!

You taught me about true strength,

the essence of how being strong

does not involve an abuse of power.

The other horses looked to you for your

guidance and wisdom, to show them the way,

and your example of leadership will live on...

God bless you, dear one.

Safe travels.

And if you see Mr. Blue,

or Grandpa,

say hello for me.

Outer Space II

Well, it's back.

But as it turns out it doesn't carry a lot of importance anymore, which has been an unexpected discovery.

What I've noticed is that since I have gained the awareness of the effect it was having on me, its effect has diminished, along with its power to affect me in a contractive way.  *Reaffirms my belief that knowledge is power, but awareness is the key to freedom.*  At the end of the day, its presence is not that big of a deal, unless I focus on it.  (If we focus on the problem, how much more difficult is it to see the solution?)

The deeper lesson for me is to be found in the awareness of how getting to know those other 'trailers' that block my awarenesses creates a lot of precious space inside.  All 'trailers' do tend to continue showing back up until finally through the conscious awareness that they are there, they don't become permanently entrenched. Trailers do, after all, have wheels, making them much easier to move if they aren't allowed to sit still and rust...

And hay (pun intended), this is a classic, a relic, and beautiful in its own way,

so why not just enjoy it!

outer space

This is a photo

of what

isn't

there...

Picture an 8-foot tall by 10-foot long horse trailer here.

Just sitting there, seldom used, in case of an emergency.

I never thought anything of it, it was just there.

Someone decided to put it there.

I never thought about what it was blocking.

I never thought about the effect it had on me.

Until it was gone.

By chance, it needed to be moved temporarily recently.

The barn is just behind, so it is a place I spend a good part of my day.

I found myself feeling better in this space.

I could breathe better, I literally felt as if a weight had been lifted.

I am working to find a new home for it.

Made me wonder what other 'trailers' might be ready to be moved.

...that's how the light gets in

One year ago today, my love and I got to see Leonard Cohen at the Confederation Center in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, Canada. A great story in and of itself how he managed to get us tickets... I don't go to a lot of concerts anymore because I've gotten very selective, but this experience blew my mind.....

It's also been about one year of some intense participation in the 'healing game' for me. For many years now I have been on a path of becoming friends (or at least friendly) with my body, which has led me to some fascinating places. But it all started with a curiosity about whether my relationship with my body was creating some sort of disconnect in my approach to my life overall. I've placed much importance on understanding the connection and inter-connectedness of body, spirit, and creativity, and have understood on an intellectual level how they all have an effect on each other, but my awareness has been increased when I began considering all of this along with the idea that...

Energy Follows Thought

And it's not always conscious thought, in fact, I believe it's often unconscious thought, or what we learn as children (whether intentionally taught or unintentionally learned, this is not a parent-bashing session). Bringing one's thoughts to consciousness can be a difficult process, because let's face it, our thoughts, wherever they come from, are not all of sunshine and roses. But then I started recognizing that I am not those thoughts, unless I choose to identify with them. I am speaking of the types of thoughts based in self-doubt and self-judgment, anything blocking my creative expression of who I am. So why go through it?? I have asked myself that many times, and at one point I realized it was simply to be able to be present with joy. By following and identifying with thoughts of authenticity rather than the other stuff.

You are not responsible for your disease

but you are responsible to the disease

When a progressive chiropractor/nutritionist/intuitive healing-type person I consult with said this to me, it brought me out of the darkness I was in at the time, trying to figure out what I had done 'wrong' to create this dis-ease in my second chakra (dwelling place of the self). Then on the journey of handling it, I encountered this statement...

What is not life threatening... is life OFFERING

And,

Look back only long enough to see how far you've come

We all have power statements, touchstones, things that we connect to that help us make sense of what life brings and to find some inner peace. What are yours?


Indeed, there is a crack in everything...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgYlqKxV54Q&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIFDXHw0eaY&feature=related

brainTEAser

Expansion On Tea

"There is a vitali-tea, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.  And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.  The world will not have it.  It is not our business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions.  It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.  You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.  You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.  Keep the channel open..."  Martha Graham (1894-1991)

 

Authentici-tea, Availabili-tea

(really, not much more to say after these two...)

Brevi-tea

(speak your truth with simplici-tea and compassion)

Clari-tea, Creativi-tea, Chari-tea

(when there is true expression of the divine within, one's cup runneth over)

Divini-tea.....

Elastici-tea; Emp-tea-ness

(love the stretchy jeans) (target: the mind)

Fragili-tea, Flexibili-tea

(plans are great things if you're prepared for them not to work out)

Gravi-tea, generosi-tea

(stay grounded, then you are in a position to give of yourself freely from that centered place inside)

Hones-tea

(On the bottle of citrus spice decaf tea:  'Barry rides a unicycle, so he's got some balance.

Just don't look at his desk.'  I cannot ride a unicycle, but I too loves my piles)

Interconnectivi-tea, Ingenui-tea

(relate to life around you, do not isolate; sometimes we have to be clever to find some common ground,

but consider believing that it is there and being patient until it shows itself)

J

Kara-tea

(be a warrior when it comes to taking care of yourself, but do not intentionally harm others)

Longevi-tea, Levi-tea

(to feel as good as you can for as long as you can, strive to gain altitude in the attitude)

Mana-tea

(oh so sweet, gentle cows of the sea)

N

Opportuni-tea, Originali-tea

(create authentic opportunities by being who you are, where you want to be, and then

paying attention to what the universe presents especially for you)

Plen-tea

(you are enough; you have enough; you do enough)

Quali-tea

(do the best you can with what you have and with what you know)

Royal-tea

(Lady Di... need I say more?)

Serendipi-tea, Synchronici-tea, Sensitivi-tea, Sani-tea, Sereni-tea

(the spice of life with a side of reali-tea and peace)

Tranquili-tea

(spend some time each day in silence)

Unbreakabili-tea

(inner strength and outer strength manifest in very different ways; tears are actually a sign of a

great depth of feeling and emotion, not weakness)

Vulnerabili-tea

(the depth to which one allows oneself to experience pain is in direct proportion to which one may experience joy)

W

X

Y

Z

Can anyone come up with more, or fill in any of the blanks?

Synchronicity

There is great clarity and a sense of completion in finding oneself having come full circle with an experience, but even more delightful to discover that the circle keeps going.  The circle becomes like an artichoke with more rich layers underneath... and the layers keep going around and around... until you reach the tender heart.  Which of course is protected by a bristly choke.

I recently had this full circle'ish experience when I reconnected with a boss from a place I left 6 years ago.  I was thrilled he took the time out of his day to have lunch with me.  And during lunch he said that he was so honored that I remembered him and my previous job place enough to revisit and reconnect, because, you know, 'we didn't end on the best of terms'.  I was shocked and had no idea what he was talking about!  There was a wave of horror/embarrassment/shame that came over me as I franticly tried to remember how things ended, sure that I was the one who offended him somehow, that I didn't even hear the rest of what he said '... and I always felt badly about that'.

He was surprised that I had no recollection of the event, and I could see he wished he hadn't brought it up.  Even when he explained more fully what the event was, I still had only a vague memory.  Turns out he had promised me something, some time off that I had requested, and then due to another staff person having an emergency, he needed to take it back.  Apparently I was so upset, I even wrote him a note, which essentially was a resignation letter, stating among other reasons that I was leaving and that this incident was a last straw.  (I told him I hope he burned the note, God knows what I said!)  He did say that he had a sense that I was ready to move on from the job anyways, yet he has felt badly for this many years.  He was right, it was time for me to move on, and I only have fond memories of my experience working there.

One never knows... I hadn't even been planning to reconnect, yet a series of synchronistic events led me there, and 'suddenly' we were having lunch together.  A first, actually.

I am grateful to have had the opportunity to clear the air, and I thanked him for bringing it up.  Reminded me of how sensitive we all are, and how usually the most sensitive and heart-protective ones among us have learned or needed to put up the toughest exterior.

It also left me wondering how many of these life events and interactions with one another we hang onto, for whatever reason, that we really can just allow ourselves to let go of...  the other person has long since forgotten... 

I do believe that in reality, it is a rare occurrence that we get to bring these experiences to a place of forgiveness, resolution, and completion face-to-face.  Had my boss, who I now consider a friend, not had the courage to bring this up, we wouldn't have had the opportunity to move forward in a fresh new way.  Miguel Ruiz says, 'don't take anything personally, what another person does is because of them, not because of you'.  In this situation this was very true, whatever hurt or upset I had over the time off incident I apparently let go of shortly thereafter (maybe even as soon as I wrote him the letter).  It was also a reminder to be mindful of how we can affect others with our words and our actions.

And to flow with life, to be willing to experience coincidences along the way,

to be open to healing opportunities for ourselves and others,

and to allow intuition and insight to lead to the meaning in them for ourselves.

I for one whole(artichoke)heartily believe in synchronicity.

Morning Interactions

As I set out on my walk/jog, which I haven't done in a while, not wanting my own inner dialogue to serve as a distraction, I debated about going back for my iPod.... how to handle my busy mind this morning....

Direct the mind, drive the hind...

This is a natural horsemanship training saying whose wisdom I am reminded applies for me too.  I love the simpleness of this phrase, it's one of my life mantras I have been enjoying lately.  I decide to ask for the grace of connection to my source, my higher power, to help me find that place of surrender, of acceptance of self, busy mind and all, and to direct my mind to focus on what's really important.  The morning was filled with this up and down, in and out, separated and connected, mind/spirit tug-of-war that strikes me as so representative of life.   It's like strength training, building the muscle of presence with what is.  Real.

My shadow is real.  It may not reflect accurately the image of my inner self, but I guess that's some of the protective tendency we have as humans.  I become aware of the egocentricity of walking along, contemplating my shadow and what it says (to who?), the narrowness of that focus.  So I expand my gaze.  

I encounter many homeless people arising from their slumbers, and feel humbled by their gentleness as they meet my gaze and we acknowledge each other, sometimes with a 'good morning', but mostly with just a smile.  We are all only human beans, wanting/needing the same things; to give and receive love, safety, belonging, and to not be defined or judged by our life circumstances.  We are so much more than that.  But I can't escape the fact that I awoke in a warm, comfortable bed this morning and went out to face the world wanting to tune it, or me, out.  I know at times we need to escape from reality, but I believe it can become a habit that rapidly becomes denial.  Denial is one way of coping, so I can't indulge in self judgment for what I have needed to do to survive in my own life, but as I allow myself to awaken to the Divine in me, the glaring truth is that it is indeed in all of us, just because we are.  In the past I felt like I was trying to be a do-gooder by smiling at the homeless, and now I see that I felt so phony because I saw myself as separate from them.

So further on my little morning adventure, I come to a bench with a dedication to a woman that read something like 'may you rest peacefully and dream of a world free from hate, free from violence'.  I suddenly felt like I wanted to know her story, and then realized that I already did.  I say a little prayer for her soul.  We can't change the past, we can only move forward in love the best way we know how...

The evil of today is enough, we don't need to add to it with our own negativity.  I believe that in order to do that, we do have to acknowledge our own darkness, it feeds on denial, and it's not going away.  Direct the mind to a higher plane, and drive the hind.  Move, move.  Act, act.  Do that which you know in your heart you must do, from a centered place inside.

Thus far on my walk, I had asphalt underfoot, and now as I reach the sand, where the waves meet the shore...  ahhhh...  I instantly feel that connection again to my source through nature, and a dolphin makes an appearance...  I realize that though all of this beautiful learning and awareness is happening, it has primarily taken place in my head.  I say a prayer of thanks for this moment...

My steps take me through the parking lot of the yacht club, and I realize just as I felt connected with those down on their luck, I also feel connected to the 'haves'.... none of us is better than or less than...  I wonder if I am on private property yet I see a shortcut to where I want to go, so I ask the man closing the hatch of his Lexus whether this path leads to the breakwater and whether it is 'private property'.  A short while later as I was on the other side of that gate, I wondered if he would have had a different response if I wasn't relatively clean but rather less clean on the outside and pushing a cart with all my belongings.  I resist the temptation to automatically assume he would have, and for my own ego to judge him.

I am shaken from this contemplation of judgment by a - could it be - a whale?  Why, yes, it is!  I am brought back to my connection to nature, and my heart leaps.  No one else is around to see it, and I claim the arrival of this magnificent creature in a deep, personal way.  Then I suddenly miss my Beloved in a way I have never missed him before.  I realize how strong the urge to connect is, and I believe all beings experience this urge.  My experience with horses has allowed something to unblock in me, the unconscious wish to suppress this urge, which allows for more intimate relations with all beings.  I understand it from a different vantage point now, and can accept the urge for what it is.  Sharing ones self doesn't have to be wrapped up in seeking validation or expectation of any particular response in return.   That is where the hurt comes in, not because of the urge to share.  Animals just respond to energy without judgment.  As I turn to begin my walk back, I encounter a human being gazing out at the ocean and I ask if he saw the whale...

On my walk today, I interacted with myself, other people, and nature, and I honor that they all offered wisdom for the journey in their own way.

They are all important pieces of the whole.

I am glad I didn't go back for the iPod.